Unfinished
I’m okay. I think I’m okay. I thought I was okay.
I’ve been trying to keep myself together for the past few days. I go out with good company, overwhelm my senses with an abundance of piled acads, roam around every social media hotel I signed up for, escape into almost every story I have in my bookshelf, stuff coffee and calories in my system.. the list is endless.
You may ask, are these distractions?
Maybe, maybe not. I never really thought of it as that. I do them because I enjoy doing them, not because I need remedy for sadness. And believe me, I do feel happy. (Except for the acads part, those are required)
I am happy. But nothing will take away the fact that I am miserable at the same time. I didn’t know it could be possible, but it is. I’m aware of this gaping hole in my chest, caused by unfinished stories and unanswered questions. I’m aware of how chained I still am to the life and accounts I left in that place. But I’m more aware of this barrier that keeps on hindering me from restoration.
Perhaps it’s for the reason that I’ve been avoiding God; trying to get Him out of the present picture as much as possible. It’s not due to the attitude that I wanted to handle things my way, but because I think I’m just going to waste His time for the millionth time now. I feel unworthy for how insincere my heart is so I’m keeping my distance; all the while, numbness consumes me.
When it does, I feel like I don’t care about the past, the stories and the people.
I feel like cutting all ties, leaving it all behind.
Never looking back, while keeping my head high.
But as soon as this numbness drops, it’s like a tidal wave crashing through me, hitting me face first. And it usually happens before I fall asleep, every single night.
It piles up. Each impact feels greater than the former. And these.. these welling emotions are drowning me inside. They are toxic. Just like poisoned food, I want it out of my system.
But how?
Maybe, maybe not. I never really thought of it as that. I do them because I enjoy doing them, not because I need remedy for sadness. And believe me, I do feel happy. (Except for the acads part, those are required)
I am happy. But nothing will take away the fact that I am miserable at the same time. I didn’t know it could be possible, but it is. I’m aware of this gaping hole in my chest, caused by unfinished stories and unanswered questions. I’m aware of how chained I still am to the life and accounts I left in that place. But I’m more aware of this barrier that keeps on hindering me from restoration.
Perhaps it’s for the reason that I’ve been avoiding God; trying to get Him out of the present picture as much as possible. It’s not due to the attitude that I wanted to handle things my way, but because I think I’m just going to waste His time for the millionth time now. I feel unworthy for how insincere my heart is so I’m keeping my distance; all the while, numbness consumes me.
When it does, I feel like I don’t care about the past, the stories and the people.
I feel like cutting all ties, leaving it all behind.
Never looking back, while keeping my head high.
But as soon as this numbness drops, it’s like a tidal wave crashing through me, hitting me face first. And it usually happens before I fall asleep, every single night.
It piles up. Each impact feels greater than the former. And these.. these welling emotions are drowning me inside. They are toxic. Just like poisoned food, I want it out of my system.
But how?
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