I’d like to begin this tale by stating the obvious: I was depressed. Sadness has been puncturing holes in my chest for some time now. The more my mind dwells in it, the more it stabs against the edge of each wound; making the holes grow even larger. As a follower of Christ, I was barren – unable to bear fruit. I felt like a living dead, stuck and stagnant.
I go to school but I don’t study.
I exist in our house but not with my family.
I sing songs of praise but I don’t worship.
I’m alive but I don’t live.
Before, I thought depression was just the absence of a purpose. For some people, this is quite true. But more often than not, losing your so-called purpose can be the side effect of depression; which is a side effect of dying, according to John Green. I guess the soul of my heart had acquired a chronic disease – a cancer, perhaps; rationally speaking, since my heart was turning into a black hole each passing day.
Having said that, depression can be caused by a lot of things, just like mine.
I’ve already laid out one of these in my last post which takes a big portion of why I was depressed. Considering that this month is the universal UP hell month, swimming in a pool of school requirements while trying to cope with my emotions was one hell of a roller coaster ride. I barely even pass. But that’s not the worst news I can deliver. The worst is that I haven’t talked to God during this hardship. And by that, I mean a ‘heart-to-heart’ talk where you meditate in His word and pray. All I do is acknowledge Him in simple pleas like, “Lord, help me. I’m dying.”
And that, my friends, is not enough. I could feel my relationship with Him getting rotten. I was losing it. But the thing is, I was not losing Him. He was not the one slipping away but me. I was running away subtly by avoiding Him. But He’s still there. Waiting for me. Trying to reach me out in every circumstance I’m in which brings me to another series of short stories.
Last week, I went from being “hissailingvessel” to “craftedrestoration.” First of all, I believe that I am still His vessel. But stagnant as I am, I don’t think I’m serving that purpose anymore. I was going through tidal waves of my past that blurs God from my sight. I felt stained and tainted but God spoke to me through Isaiah 61:3. It says, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.”
Around this time, a song from my playlist entitled “Bitter/Sweet” by Bethel music starts playing.
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW
YOU TURN THE BITTER INTO SWEET
YOU TURN THE WINTER INTO SPRING
I know what I need – healing and restoration which only God can “craft.” But then I realized, God already knows what’s ahead of my story. He knows my ending. This restoration which I ask has already been “crafted” even before I was born. Hence, “craftedrestoration.”
Sometimes, when depression is eating us up, it may feel like nothing is left for us to live. In my case, even though I feel like my relationship with Him is rotten, I know that there’s still this hope inside of me that never lets me go. It’s making me hold on. No matter how pained and miserable I was, there’s still something in my heart that keeps me breathing.
It’s Jesus.
He is actually what I think of when I sing “Last hope” by Paramore. I know it’s not a Christian song, but what matters is the intention of who sings it.
IT’S JUST A SPARK
BUT IT’S ENOUGH TO KEEP ME GOING
AND WHEN IT’S DARK OUT, NO ONE’S AROUND
IT KEEPS GLOWING
When I read “My Heart and Other Black Holes” by Jasmine Warga, I realized that the only thing which fights off depression and death is hope. Hope is what sustains suicidal people.
As you can observe, my username has been changed again. This time, it’s blessed hope. I’m not referring to myself as THE blessed hope which the verse Titus 2:13 is referring to. It’s literally blessed me. For further understanding, let me disclose a revelation I had during a discussion in my Fil 40 class. I was at the back of the room, not entirely listening to the professor’s lecture about the culture of words. One thing struck me at that time though. It was about word play. My mind wandered off.. to some things I don’t recall now and then to my name – Hannah Eunice P. Obrique. Somehow, I’ve managed to associate the topic with my initials = H.E.P.O.
I hated my initials before. It sounded weird when read straight. But at that moment, I was so thankful for it. I was so thankful because, my gally, I found out that reversing the last three initials of my name while leaving the letter H at the front will give me the word H.O.P.E.
It’s amazing. It’s really amazing how God can work wonders in any way possible. Can you imagine? I literally found hope, even in my name. This is a proof that there is no such thing as a bigger miracle than other miracles for everything is a miracle in itself, waiting to be revealed. You just have to look for it. Just like the word “hope” in the initials of my name, the literal “hope” can be always hard to find. But really, when we feel like hope is not there, it actually is.
Because Jesus is our hope.
Take my initials as a constant reminder for that.
My miracle doesn’t end there, however, for God has another revelation for me. It happened yesterday while I was reviewing the answers of the transferees from other schools (non-UPCAT passers who transferred) that I interviewed for my research paper. Their answers amazed me because even though they’re having a harder time here surviving in the university than me, they still bask in happiness and thank God for all the blessings.
I realized how ungrateful I am for focusing on the bad sides (not much friends, hot weather) that I forgot to thank God for what He has done for me. It was as if a bucket of ice water was splashed on me when I realized this. It was even more refreshing (and heart wrenching) when right after that, I attended the Youth Service and the message was all about #blessed which confirms every realization I had. I was reminded of His love, His promise and our covenant. Ahh! Hebrews 13:5 says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
How amazing can this get?!
Grabe lang talaga, I have no words! You Lord, are so amazing! Miracles upon miracles. Whew! For a span 14 days, these phenomenal things have taken place. My heart have shed buckets of tears containing every different emotion my hypothalamus can rack. Right now, I can’t say that I’m totally okay. I know I’m not.. completely. Because healing is a process which includes a lot of pain. But I’m recuperating! The best part is, I’m not crawling unlike before. Now, I’m standing. Because, finally, I’ve recognized the hope who is sustaining me all along. And mind you, it’s easier to fight in this battlefield when you’re standing hand in hand with your Maker.
So yes, I refer to myself as the blessed one – a reminder that I am indeed, blessed. And H.ope – a reminder for myself that there is hope in everything. I might not see it right away, just like with my name which I only realized after 18 years, but it’s there.
This is not actually a victory story. My story doesn’t end here. This is only a chapter of the book God has authored.
A chapter filled with His assurance and sustenance in my life.
